The Absurdity of Honesty
by Calkat
Summary: MaixNaru A one-shot documenting Mai and Naru's relationship over time as Mai struggles to grasp her abilities. All the while, Madoka pushes the limits of what's safe and acceptable and Lin, ever the guardian watches over the trainwreck that is S.P.R.


12.14.09

Disclaimer: Everyone, including me, knows the drill.

Enjoy.

* * *

Monster

* * *

"It's called a PK seed."

At the time, it had been a simple question. Forgettable, really. Looking back, Mai wishes she had paid more attention to the conversation, but Mai's foresight has always been sorely lacking.

Mai looks up from her desk and taps her pen speculatively—click, clack. "…and that means what exactly?"

Madoka looks pensive for a moment, reflecting on something she clearly isn't willing to share before she takes a sheet of paper from her desk, crumbles it into a little ball and tosses it over to Mai.

The paper ball bounces between Mai's hands before it lands gently in her lap. Madoka raises her hands expectantly and says, "Toss it back."

Mai does so, a little less accurately, but Madoka manages to snatch it anyway. She then adds another piece of paper around the crumpled form of the ball making it bigger.

As Madoka tosses the paper ball back to Mai, she says, "Imagine that the ball is kikou, or psychic energy."

* * *

Mai hits the wooden floor with a dull thud—skull cracking against the wooden frame as she falls from the bed. She gives a small cry and tries to tug her legs free of the sheets they are wound up in.

She is breathing—check.

Her heart is thudding against her ribcage—at least it's a sign that she's alive.

The back of her skull pulses. Pain. Another affirmative. So she is awake.

She tries her voice once, nothing but a squeak. She swallows roughly against her dry throat.

"Masako," she tests again; her voice sounds raspy and worn. Like the strain of screaming in the dream world has crossed over to the waking realm and affected her here.

Footsteps in the distant background. Not hurried. They were used to it by now.

A shadow crosses in front of the moonlit window and at first, Mai tenses. Then the figure fades into Masako sheathed in a nightgown with shawl thrown over her shoulders. Masako quirks her head and raises a well-practiced eyebrow, refined judgment with one small movement. Mai envies the ease in which Masako does everything gracefully. She even sleeps gracefully. Snores gracefully.

"Mai, I believe the purveyors of this place would find it offensive if you were found sleeping on the floor as opposed to the bed they had provided." Her tone is icy, yet mirthful. The edge of her lip twitches in an almost smile and a hand slides out from beneath the billowing material of her sleeve as she offers Mai a hand up.

Mai accepts, and with a sharp jerk frees her feet from the entrapment of sheets. She stands and straightens her pajama capris that had slid far above her hips.

Mai and Masako settle onto the bed, waiting for the ensuing concern that would be her coworkers. All more worried and anxious for her than she was for herself.

"Another dream?"

"The water again," Mai admits.

Masako ponders this. "Are you going to tell them this time?"

Silence.

Mai feels a tug as Masako pulls the bottom of Mai's pajama top down so that it settles at the hem of her pants.

"Thank you."

Masako just nods and together, they wait.

* * *

"Who's Gene?" It had taken months to find the courage, but eventually it just spills out; Mai _has_ to ask. She can't take it any longer.

Naru inhales and then stops breathing all together, lungs shrinking painfully.

The so-called "animal instinct" that Naru has termed her power so politely suddenly goes into a distinct self-preservation mode. _Run, _it says. She agrees.

"Forget I said—"

"Where did you hear that name?" He says it sharply, expectantly.

He's intense, and she worries that maybe she's crossed over a line that she hadn't seen before. Those same piercing eyes watch her, but this time it is not a confident, reassured gaze. It's fragmented. It hurts her to see him like this. She hadn't known that Naru possessed anything known as a weakness. How wrong she was.

"Just this one time. In a dream of mine," she answers just as quickly.

Naru purses his lips, eyes narrowing. "How? Exactly how?" The book in front of him snaps shut and he tosses it rather harshly on top of the growing mound of maps. Papers slide off his desk, knocked over by the errant book.

Mai, suddenly unsure, takes a hesitant step back. "I'm sorry, it was just—"

He stands, rigid, measured. He seems taller than she remembers.

"What do you know?"

"Nothing." He looks unimpressed, angry.

"Mai." The sharp sound of a ruler meeting with the chalkboard. That's how he says her name.

She winces, withdraws another step from his office. "I don't know anything."

He circles the desk, faster than normal and Mai sucks in sharply, saying more firmly, "I don't know!"

He reaches for her hand then—Mai knows what he's doing, Lin has told her of his psychometry before—and Mai slaps it away. "Don't!"

_("Did you ever think he doesn't want to be found?")_

Mai remembers saying this.

Remembers seeing the visible anguish written on his face.

She wishes she'd kept her stupid mouth shut.

* * *

As Madoka tosses the paper ball back to Mai, she says, "Imagine that the ball is kikou, or psychic energy."

Before Mai can temper her response, she growls out, "I know what kikou is." Madoka merely lifts a curious eyebrow. Mai sighs and smiles apologetically. "Sorry, I'm just used to Naru always being so condescending to me." She scoffs. "He's shocked every time I can explain something coherently."

Madoka gives a lopsided half-smile. "As I was saying, this ball is kikou. Now, kikou can be bounced, converted, passed along, et cetera in one form or another between people—psychics, actually, but PK seeding lacked an actual label until more recently. That process of passing kikou back and forth is merely the basics of the PK seed."

"Can anyone do it? I mean, um, I'm sure being psychic would help, but…can any psychic do it?"

"No. Offhand, I only know of one case that I'm aware of with PK seeding and that was very rare—indeed, an anomaly. But as I was saying, the idea of seeding is to feed off of each other—"

Mai crinkles her noise and says warily, "When you say feed…"

"I mean, the energy feeds off the two psychics. They don't actually eat the energy, they just pass it back and forth until the seed grows larger. Seeding between two people allows for more control and precision as well as power to build between the two."

"So can one person create the same amount of power by themselves with kikou?"

Madoka shrugs. "Well, yes."

"Then why the need for two people? It seems like a waste of energy if you can just do it by yourself."

"Hmm. Well, if two people do it, they are exhausting roughly a quarter of the energy they would than if they were by themselves. You're only providing a piece of the energy and using the momentum you're—unless you really want to know—" Madoka's pliant face turns empty; pivoting back to her work, she flips a page in the book. "—its not really important."

Mai wonders at the sudden turn in conversation. She picks up the paper ball and misses the trashcan when she shoots. The paper ball settles on the floor just before it is crushed under the sole of a black shoe.

Naru's in the doorway, contemplative, eying the paper ball under his foot and then raises his gaze to her, eyebrows wedged tight in thought. She bites her cheek, blinks twice and swivels back to her desk, watching the monitors once again.

There's something in his look today she quite can't place. A vacant spot she doesn't know how to fill.

(A cold hand brushes across the pulse in her wrist. Her head feels light. She doesn't ever remember feeling this way.)

She almost thinks he won't say anything, but then, "Working hard as always, Mai." It's mocking, sarcastic, but not snide and prideful. It's…almost endearing. Madoka doesn't tilt her head up, doesn't give herself away, but Mai notices the slight widening of her eyes, the bare amount of white around the iris getting larger. Madoka, too, is caught off-guard and for once doesn't know how to handle it.

When Naru has his back to them—he's too caught up in reading Lin's endless litany of notes—Madoka narrows her eyes at Mai and mouths 'What happened?' in a way that makes Mai feel distinctly like a butterfly who is being pinned to a board. Pained. Observed.

Mai ignores her.

Not wanting to attract Naru's attention, she slips out from behind the desk quietly and makes her way out the door.

She sees Madoka following, and quickens her pace until she's out the door and then she's running, calling out 'Bou-san, where are you?' before she realizes that will only make the situation worse. She ducks into the nearest doorway, hidden.

* * *

"—ibly stupid. Irresponsible—"

Those are the only words Mai's muddled thoughts can make out.

"—only a simple test. Who could have known that she—"

"—Naru would have known. That's why he hasn't done it up until now—"

Lin-san, she realizes.

"—sure, that's why he hasn't done this himself. You don't know that—"

And Madoka.

"—Regardless, it is Mai we are sending to the hospital—"

This perks Mai from her stupor.

She waves a lead-filled hand, but keeps her weary eyes shut. "No, I'm fine. Just give me a minute."

Madoka comes into view, her concern for Mai present, but second to another emotion. Disappointment.

"We can try again, Madoka-san," she offers and Madoka looks pained. But there are no tears in her eyes. Madoka has always been more tough than she lets on. Mai idolizes that quality quite a bit.

Lin helps Mai sit up, so for once she doesn't miss the quiet grunt of disapproval he makes. She hunches against the wall, wishing hard that for once failure wasn't such a prominent part in her life.

"You won't," Lin says simply, strictly.

Mai doesn't argue.

Across the room, two men and one woman in a white uniform, are lifting the body of a man onto a stretcher. Mai's eyes dart about the room, panic suddenly flooding her system.

She grips Lin's forearm tightly, chokes out, "What happened?" And she is terrified, hysteria is starting to rise…

Lin searches her eyes. Something clouds his normally crystalline vision. "He's going to be fine, Mai. He just taxed his energy reserves. You need to relax—" he puts a hand up when she starts to babble again. "—try breathing steadily. You're turning blue, and then we _will_ have to send you to the hospital."

She can't take her eyes off the gurney being wheeled out. The man isn't moving. How the hell is she supposed to be calm in the face of _that?_

She can't make eye contact with her two senior coworkers. Instead, she cranes her neck to look out the window. Clouds again, light drizzle against the cement and glass towers. It doesn't matter to her, but anything to distract is better than nothing.

The woman in white appears in front of Mai. She dazedly accepts to be checked out. A light is flashed in her eyes. Her pulse is measured, her heart rate studied. The woman runs her hands over Mai's crown. She winces once, but says it doesn't hurt that bad. The woman suggests she go to the hospital, though the 'suggestion' sounds more like an order. And she is used to refusing orders, she's had far too much practice…

The woman in white scowls, but leaves eventually. Mai watches the rain again.

Madoka and Lin are arguing again. Not quite raised voices—well, Lin at least hasn't raised his voice yet. Madoka, on the other hand…

"You aren't going to tell Naru," she says expressly.

Lin doesn't take force well, if ever. The one eye of his that Mai can see that isn't covered with hair is unforgiving. "No," he agrees. "You will."

* * *

The silver of the spoon is rusted and unpolished as well as cold against her fingers.

She's bored—bored, bored, bored. Bored to tears and still can't believe she's stuck at the base. She's been reduced to recording temperatures (even though they have a machine that does it automatically—that machine's name is Lin.)

The red scab under her chin is evidence as to why she's stuck in the base. It isn't ghosts this time. No, Taniyama Mai, just suddenly forgot how to walk and somehow caught her ankle in the banisters at the base of the stairs, falling hopelessly and loudly into a double-paned window next to the staircase. It holds and she rebounds off of it, landing on the floor with nothing more than a dignified, 'ooow.'

So Naru puts her on lockdown. ("Walking is a skill developed in infancy. If you can't even walk, you can't hunt ghosts.")

The blood in her fingers feel hot and light; it pulses in her fingertips as her mind tries to force her will against the object. Naru always makes the ability to bend spoons sound simple. After a few seconds, she gives up and drops her head in defeat with a sigh of disgust.

She's bored again.

Then she feels it. In the pit of her stomach, a familiar feeling. She's been sensing it more often lately. When she asks Ayako about it, the miko says that Mai's powers are probably growing, stretching beyond their expectations.

Ayako also looks uncomfortable with the thought, worried. It's the first time Mai notices that the group of S.P.R. is beginning to worry about her development, not because she has so many different capabilities, but because its shown no signs of stopping.

She feels the pulse again, not her blood, but the energy curdling in her stomach. Then she feels it on the physical plane.

The spoon wiggles between her fingers. Gasping, she watches the metal bend backward until it is at a ninety-degree angle. She abruptly drops it, her eyes widening briefly before she realizes her oversight.

Snorting, she picks up the spoon, eyes narrowed knowingly and tosses the useless object backward, guessing at where the culprit is standing.

"Thanks for ruining my fun," she says, maligned.

His feet scuffle across the floor before he's leaning over the back of the couch. "I didn't realize by helping you accomplish your fun, I was ruining it. Maybe if you had succeeded before I came in…" he trails off suggestively.

A different feeling is brewing in her stomach, rising into her chest. He's always known how he affects her, but recently, he's been doing it much more purposefully.

Mai ignores the jab. "You shouldn't be so casual with your power. I'll tell Lin, you know."

"Using small amounts has never been the problem. It's the bigger tricks that take more out of me." He says it flippantly. Mai scowls.

Naru crosses the room and doesn't turn to face her. Instead, he fidgets with some of the photographs on the shelf above the fireplace. He turns a couple side-to-side, studying them carefully before setting them down gently.

Mai doesn't like the way he phrases his power as 'tricks,' as if it was just a game, and not like the cost could be his life.

But she admits to herself disgustedly that she is more than happy he is sharing this with her even if it's morbid. She'll take whatever she can get.

"Since when has 'takes more out of me' been interchangeable with 'sucks the life from me and occasionally puts me in a coma?'" she asks acerbically. Naru gives her a droll stare, but doesn't respond. They sit quietly, neither one saying a word.

Mai hates silence. She picks up a book about contemporary architecture, a class she is taking at the university and pretends to read it.

Naru sits on the couch opposite her, watches her for several minutes. He will win this game sooner or later and Mai scowls again when realizes she's read the same sentence over and over and over again. She hasn't even turned a page, but she won't break first for once.

He waits longer, then leans over and plucks the book from her hands. Patience is not in the Davis bloodline, Mai notes. Gene is the same way in her dreams. He is encouraging, offers advice and often gives Mai a nudge in the right direction, but never patient. He always shares that same exasperated facial expression Naru has when she asks a simple question that he thinks is a waste of time.

"Don't you have any hobbies?" She's grasping for distraction. Naru doesn't let her have it.

He just stares at her. "Other than mocking me," she adds briskly.

"We should talk." Three simple words that want to send her crawling under the couch.

Mai remembers it—even though she doesn't want to. That's a lie. She does want to remember. Wants to relive it night after night. She craves every prolonged touch of skin. He's the same, but neither will admit it.

And then like last time, he has her wrist caged in his hand—

* * *

"So in theory, you're saying, you think that I can do this PK seed thing?"

"With Naru, no. He's much too powerful." Madoka smiles a little vindictively. "He'd burn you up like—well, it wouldn't feel too pleasant I'm sure," she surmises. "Plus there's the issue of compatibility. It's not worth the risk of finding out if you two would be compatible energy-wise."

Mai grits her teeth, makes it the best smile she can manage. "But you want me to try with this guy?" Mai waves her hand at the elderly man to her right. He hasn't been friendly so far and looks even less so when Mai offhandedly calls him 'this guy.'

"Martin asked me to run some tests. Hajitoka-san has kindly offer—"

"Blackmailed. Martin doesn't know how to ask anything," the man Hajitoka growls.

Madoka's smile is pure saccharine; hers eyes are closed, probably in an attempt to hide her real contempt, Mai guesses.

Mai stands and brushes her skirt down. "I think I'll have to decline, Madoka-san. Naru will kill me—"

The arch of Madoka's eyebrow rises. The set of her body, ankles crossed, leaned against the frame of the door with one arm wrapped around her middle and the other raised to her face, cradling her chin against her knuckles irks Mai. It's an arrogant pose, a familiar one. Mai knows exactly where Naru has learned it, whose behavior he mirrors subconsciously.

"You're not going to do this because _Naru…will mind_?" She pauses dramatically. "Since when has that ever stopped you, Taniyama-san?" Mai forgets that Madoka is first, and foremost, a researcher. She may be kind, but Madoka always gets her way. She even gets her way with Naru. Who is Mai to think she'll be the first to refuse her and back out of something?

Before she can second-guess it, Mai is at the table again—probably preparing for her next trip to the hospital, she mentally notes sourly.

'But that's fine, what Naru doesn't know won't hurt—'

And then she's on the ground, sooner rather than later. So is Hajitoka, only he's had a partial stroke and they've almost killed him. The EMTs deal with the elder man first, wheeling him out on a stretcher, and then run a quick check on Mai. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She only passed out, but she's clear of concussions, has no high blood pressure, or anything else remotely dangerous.

Lin and Madoka are arguing. Madoka had phoned for assistance in the testing (as soon as the primary testing had already began to commence, so as not to get stopped prematurely.) Lin wouldn't arrive in time to stop it, but he would be there for the aftermath.

Hajitoka dies in the hospital and Mai is stricken.

* * *

She's pouring Bou-san another flask of sake and reaching to turn the heat up when she feels that same burst of energy rising in the same pattern: stomach to chest.

She turns and is face-to-face with Naru in the small area of her kitchen. He's grown taller, but then again, so has she. She can barely see over his shoulder, but that much allows for her to see that Lin is ignoring them—ever the guardian—leaning against the doorway pretending that he doesn't know what is going on.

Her face is flushed—from cooking over the heat, she thinks, until he steps closer and she realizes the flush most definitely increases in relation to his proximity. He notices too, places the back of his hand against the side of her throat. It's ice cold and she winces at the temperature.

The timer goes off, and even that can't ruin the moment for Mai, can't hide the longing in her eyes that she lets him have so freely. Naru is observing her, eyes dark with something entirely unfamiliar to Mai. It's out of her comprehension. A boy from high school had looked at her like this once, but that was short-lived. Especially after she envisions the lustful thoughts he's thinking—ones that a seventeen-year-old Mai is nowhere near ready to experience. She just wants to pass high school and chase ghosts in simplicity and love her boss so hard it's painful when he ignores it, but so much more excruciating when he acknowledges it and _doesn't do anything about it._

Bou-san calls her raucously from her living room. She can hear John-san's voice calming him, but also laughing heartily. She turns sharply and reaches for the flask.

Naru catches her hand at the base of her wrist. Her head feels light, and wonderful, but her throat is tight and unromantically, she thinks, she feels like she might throw up from nerves. After all, she's never dealt with a situation like this before. It's entirely unfamiliar territory.

"Naru?" she questions, timid.

"Mai!" It's not his voice, not the one she wants to hear say her name at this moment, but distractedly, she plucks her up the flask and moves to go around him. It's not a wide berth, and in passing, her side brushes his. That's her consent, her silent acquiescence.

"Dinner tomorrow," he says. There isn't room to budge here, neither physically or conversationally. "I'll pick you up. Five."

"No, I'll cook. Be here at seven. And don't be early. I won't be here," she finishes quickly.

She knows what he's trying to do. He's playing it safe, keeping the hour early and steering as far away from being alone with her as he can manage. He's already controlled too much of the relationship, Mai thinks. She won't let him have any more control over her.

His lips purse, and she still hasn't met his eyes—can only catch the lower half of his face, but she sees him nod curtly.

She pulls away from him and makes her way out of the kitchen, nodding politely to Lin-san as she passes him. She's caught slightly caught off-guard when she sees the eerie smile perched on his lips, but she ignores it for now.

The sake has cooled a bit, but she drops down beside Bou-san and happily pours a small cup for him. In return, he pours one for her and it's the first one of the night she actually accepts. She normally doesn't drink, and especially tries hard not to drink in front her Naru and Lin, as they don't partake _ever._

But her nerves are shot and someone somewhere before told her that alcohol is soothing. She doesn't quite believe them, but nevertheless she's drinking it now.

Mai can't see him, but she can hear Naru and Lin behind her quietly discussing something. She catches the phrase 'kinetic reading' and she turns to scold Lin. He nods reproachfully, promising to keep the topics to a more festive tone and again she catches that same half-smile.

The dinner goes on. The others have done their best to keep Mai cheerful, and she's pasted on a smile to appease them as much as possible. They still haven't stopped worrying about her and how she's dealing with her latest power emerging. She accidentally phased her forearm through a wall and was stuck for hours.

Ayako has already called her beau. He'll be there to pick her up in 15 minutes. It's getting late and she has a long shift at the hospital tomorrow. Mai has been entertaining her guests all night, but as much as she's tried to ignore him (that's her way of not showing favoritism) she can tell that Naru has been watching her.

She knows it because, in the corner, Masako looks annoyed. Just as quickly, the medium demurely hides it with a slide of a hand here, a smoothing of her brow there. Mai appreciates the hard effort. She knows how much it must hurt, but Masako, while prideful, sometimes bitter and at times venomous, would always be graceful. She nods to Mai, and raises her own cup of tea.

A nod to the victor. It's the most she'll ever concede to Mai, but just as soon Masako is making to leave. She may have resigned herself to defeat, but she has never been one to willingly have the victory rubbed in her face.

Naru picks his jacket up and quietly hails her with a 'Hara-san.' She turns, chin perked up, hands folded across her thighs and meets his offer of a ride with a polite refusal. He shakes his head and tells her that he's taking her home. She ducks her head abashedly and Mai has to chuckle to herself. Masako may have lost the war, but she'll still fight small battles just because she can. Mai won't begrudge her that.

Lin thanks Mai for a nice evening and tells her he looks forward to seeing her again. He even adds 'it's been too long.'

Naru doesn't make any grand gestures. Mai hasn't stopped wishing for them, but Naru wouldn't be Naru if he did such things. He leaves without thanks, only a nod and a quick reminder to the others that he'll expect them to be in the office Tuesday morning, packed and ready by 7:30.

"Sure you don't want to come, jou-chan?" Bou-san is at it again.

The itch is back. He just innocently wants her company on a case. She wants to go, but knows she shouldn't.

"Can't. Skipping classes right now would set me back so far that even Yasuhara-san wouldn't be able to catch me up in the next month."

Bou-san nods and John looks troubled. They both know far more than they let on, but they haven't quite figured it all out yet.

She's all too glad that she hasn't seen Yasuhara-san lately. He is too darn sharp for his own good and would unravel her mystery like a quaint ball of yarn, no matter how many knots she would tie in it.

* * *

Mai is in a nightmare again. She's burning this time, and she can't help but scream because of all her various deaths in her dreams, the fire always takes the longest. Drowning hurts for a bit, but then her brain forgets she's dead and she kind of drifts in the ocean for a while until she wakes up.

But in fire, she feels everything. The fire takes its languid time and even when she can't take it any longer, she still burns. The fire burns out suddenly and Mai is crying, shaking and gasping on the ground.

She doesn't move for what feels like hours. When she feels brave enough to try, she moves her hand and touches her leg. Whole skin. Much better than when it had been falling off of her.

She looks up to see Gene unremorseful, so much like Naru that she hates it. Gene is the softer one, but here he is now hard, angry and disappointed. She tries to stand, and even in her dreams, her failings continue as her knees buckle and she hits the floor again.

Gene's hard mask slips. He shifts from anger to agony so quickly that he doesn't have time to catch himself. Mai stands again, bracing her arms against her knees before standing upright.

She slips him an apologetic smile.

"You have to stop this," and oddly, it sounds like he's begging. She imagines that Naru would sound similar if he knew the extent to which these dreams had taken hold of her.

"I'm trying."

"_Try harder,_" he says curtly.

"I can't. It just won't stop."

"Ask for help. Tell them."

"They know."

"The medium knows. What use is she?"

"Don't speak of her like she's a tool for me to use."

"Torturing yourself over that man's death isn't just pathetic. It's stupid." He tries for anger and Mai has never been mad at Gene before. She won't start now. She only smiles back at him. He takes two deep shaky breaths and stares skyward (or what passes for the sky on this plane).

"Yeah, I like drowning, and hanging, and being buried alive. It's my death fe—my death—" She pulls at her hair when she can't even remember a simple word. She can't think quickly enough to match his sarcasm.

Gene rolls his eyes. "I believe you were looking for death fetish. And that usually involves sexual gratification. Not your best comparison, Mai."

"Shut up," she grouches, tucking her knees into her chest.

"Why are you still here? Shouldn't you wake up, go join the living world or something." It isn't a suggestion, but it isn't a command. He won't admit it, but he loves her company.

"I'd rather be here."

Gene looks around rather dramatically at the surrounding hazy white atmosphere. "I can see why," he mutters flatly. "Prime scenery." He looks back to Mai. "Go talk to Naru. He can figure this out."

Mai wants to pound her head into the floor. "He said to talk to you." Her voice is muffled by because she's buried her face in her knees.

"What? Why? That makes no sense. He's the one who can experience death vicariously. I think that's far closer than what I'm able—what I _used to be able to do._ You're a crossbreed psychic. I don't have the resources or Naru's scientific mind at my disposal." Gene's not really speaking to her anymore, just voicing his thoughts aloud. "What is he thinking?" He growls shortly. "I hate not knowing!"

Mai stands. "Well, when you figure it out…" She turns away from him, equally as aggravated and not wanting to hear it.

He disappears, she wakes up.

* * *

Mai has been standing outside the office door for ten minutes now. There is a bento in her hand, but no courage in her heart. It's that same stupid feeling. Anxiety, nervousness and that's exactly why she's here.

She opens the office door finally when she sees a delivery man coming up the set of stairs. He's already made the journey twice to drop off boxes at the tax office across from S.P.R. and she doesn't want him to call the police thinking that she's just some weirdo obsessively stalking Naru or something.

She jumps inside and slides the door closed. The door creaks and she thinks back to when she was his secretary. The door certainly wouldn't have stayed creaky under her watch, but small things like that never bothered Lin or Naru.

His door is closed, but Mai knows better. He's in there. It's Saturday, but workaholics don't care which day of the week it is—they just like to work.

Before she can talk herself out of it, she's in his office and his door isn't creaking like the last one. She leans back against the door and Naru is looking up at her. It's the same, calm measured look he's carried for years, but this one is more off-guard than she's used to.

He's curious, yet doesn't show it—but Mai has always been able to tell.

He offers her a chair with a gesture, but she doesn't take it. In fact, she's having trouble with the simple function of speaking. He doesn't quite chuckle, but he does make that lopsided grin. The irritating grin that makes her insides burn.

"I brought you this." She strides forward and sets the bento on his desk. He pushes it to the side and leans forward, chin resting on his laced fingers. Waiting.

"Mai," he prompts.

"I can't do this," she erupts suddenly. He gives no reaction, only waits for her. "I'm so nervous about tonight that I could barely sleep last night."

"It's just a dinner, Mai."

Mai's face is dark. "If it's just a dinner, don't waste my time. Go take Masako out."

"Would you prefer that?"

"That's not what I mean—"

"—you just suggested it—"

"You _know _what I mean." Her fists clench before she buries them in her pocket, a childish gesture she hasn't quite gotten rid of yet.

She gathers herself, preparing once again to lay herself bare like she did two years ago before he threw the memory of his dead brother in her face.

Her eyes flicker to the side and then back to his. She takes a steadying breath. "I can't stop thinking these_ stupid _thoughts. I can't stop thinking about how you _might_ kiss me. And now that I've said it out loud—"

She almost starts for the door, but he clears his throat and she stops midway.

She's feeling light-headed and she turns to him, eyes pleading. The expression Naru sees on her face in his quiet office shakes him a little in its intensity. She's so unguarded in the face of him and looks so pained. The Mai he knows is absurdly optimistic and this person in front of him is so desperate that he can't help himself.

Naru has never gone after her, and he wasn't about to change that pattern. He motions to her with a wave of his hand.

"Come here." She does so obediently.

He thinks that she must be incredibly drained to acquiesce to him so easily. She settles across the desk from him, keeping the desk as a barrier.

He mentally notes that animals do that in the wild. An obstacle to separate predator from prey, but he kept that to himself for once. This moment is already brittle in so many ways.

He tries to soften his look, but after twenty years of being all hard edges, Naru isn't familiar with the idea. But it must have been working because some of her anxiety slips from her face.

He holds out his hand and waits for her to take it. She doesn't wait long.

Mai has always been far too trusting.

With her hand in his, he slowly guides her around his desk, which isn't so large that their arms extended can't reach across it.

The closer she gets to him, the more tense she becomes. He can see it in the way her jaw muscles clench, the way her forehead creases and her eyebrows are slowly furrowing together. And then he sees the most intriguing part that he almost misses. He's smug about it, but keeps his expression neutral.

She is also excited. There's a glow to her eyes in the way that they are lilting up at the corners. Admittedly, he feels the same way, but he is far more controlled—

And then she sighs, her breath shaking out from within her and he loses some of that calm. He feels all the pent up adolescent anxiety start to build within himself. After all, this is a new experience to him as well, but as with all of the other problems he's faced in his life, he confronts them all head on. He's never been a coward, and he isn't about to start now.

She is perched on the edge of his desk above him, as he has sat down in his chair again, studying him and he wonders how long she can stay quiet. Silence is not a strength Mai possesses in spades.

"Kiss me," he commands. It comes out stronger than he likes, but he hasn't accounted for being nervous, so perhaps that has something to do with it. "We're merely solving a problem."

He softens it the second time he says it. "Kiss me."

Although, they are now closer physically than they have ever been before willingly, he feels a silent barrier in her go up. She crosses her arms, protective. Her eyes narrow accusingly.

"Kissing shouldn't be a '_problem,'" _she says testily.

He slides a hand over his eyes. "Mai," he says exasperatedly. This isn't how it should be going—it's how he _expected _it to be going, but still—

She hasn't budged. There she is challenging him again.

So he does the only thing he knows. Fights incoherent thought with logic. That's always been how he's dealt with Mai.

"I know what you are trying to do. You're nervous, you're lashing out. Just do it. Get it out of your system." He pauses, measuring her response. "Otherwise, please leave. Because while I don't mind you wasting my time for a worthwhile purpose, I don't want to have a meaningless fight the morning before a dinner I was looking forward to."

Her mouth parts slightly, but for once she can see the sense he is telling her and she isn't offended, only annoyed that she can't pretend that what he said isn't pure, unadulterated truth.

"Okay," she agrees, "but you have to stop looking at me like that."

The flush that creeps up her neck is telltale and Naru struggles to keep the satisfaction contained. Checking his arrogance is something _he_ doesn't possess in spades.

"Close your eyes," she instructs, roughly, but to Naru it sounds all the more charming.

A moment passes, and then he complies, closing his eyes, and then another moment passes. Then her hands are on either side of his neck, both are cold, and cold extremities are a sign of fear. No doubt her feet are as cold as her hands. Naru tries to push aside the scientific part of his brain that is getting in the way of this. He just wants to get it over with. He's not even considering worrying about whether or not he's even going to enjoy it. Gene always used to say that he _highly_ _enjoyed _kissing various girls.

Mai's voice breaks his thoughts. She's close because he can _feel _her talking, the small puff of breath she exhales as she speaks. "Please, ple-ease, don't think about Gene right now of all moments." She sounds put out, but oddly joyful. Better than she was before, he contends.

"You're delaying."

Her forehead touches his and at this distance, even with his guards up, his psychic abilities kick in, a natural reaction when coming into contact with another one, especially one with powers so similar to his kin.

She tries to press forward softly, but their noses bump awkwardly and Naru can hear her thinking 'Ow.' He almost chuckles—and then he does chuckle as he tilts his head up to help her. She's startled, but then with a hand on his cheek, accepts it, presses forward again.

Her lips tentatively touch his, a questions and a soft insistence all at once. She kisses him once, pulls back and then kisses him twice, trying this time to tilt her head further to the side so that their noses don't bump as heavily.

Her lips are soft, he thinks. She perks up, back straightening. Mentally, she must have heard them and she anguishes a bit that they can't even share something like a kiss without their psychic abilities getting in the way. She doesn't let it go, but files it away for later. Now isn't the time for such things. She had just chided Naru about his wandering mind…

She thinks about how his lips aren't as soft as she expected—a little chapped, in fact. They're still perfect, but Naru has never been one to dote on himself excessively in the form of care. Mai would try to fix that, but for now, she just revels in the feeling.

Naru settles further back into the chair and as if attached, which in a way she is, Mai moves backward with him. She moves her lips, unsure. She tries to not think 'am I doing it right?' because that is something she doesn't want Naru to know—

"It's just fine, Mai, if you would please focus," he murmurs against her lips. It's a pleasant sensation that shoots from the back of her neck to her toes. She knows he felt the same sensation through her because before he can stop himself he's made the smallest movements. His back tightens and his forearm strains as he grips the arm of the chair.

Slightly indignant, she moves her lips against his one last time and presses him back until his head forms a dent in the headrest of the chair.

Quickly, she withdraws unexpectedly, and he watches her sink back against his desk, her hands winding protectively over her middle.

She looks about ready to say something when suddenly her chest jumps and she hiccups. Eyes wide, her hand flies to her mouth, embarrassed.

Naru looks at her seriously. "You forgot to breathe."

Mai inhales in a large gulp. "_How do you breathe during that?" _ Her tone charms Naru even more than her words can.

"I would first suggest your nose," he says, "assuming you didn't hurt it too much."

She swats his shoulder sharply. "Shut up."

She takes a moment to consider him. He doesn't look like the same normal Naru and she's a combination of unnerved and elated, sheepish and proud all at once. Naru's usual demeanor is to sit in his office chair either ramrod straight or hunched over his desk slightly whenever he's pondering books or paperwork.

Now he's curved into the chair, leaning to the right, braced on the arm of the chair and his shoulders are tight, set in a way that tells of his own nerves and inexperience in this area. For once, it is a level playing field.

Naru notices how Mai is studying him and in that conscious thought, corrects his posture, flowing flawlessly from a green, unsure teenager to cool, assured, arrogant Naru.

"How are you feeling about tonight now?" he asks, allowing no reprieve.

She thinks for a moment. "Honestly, a little better in some ways, worse in others."

He looks up at her unsure of her meaning. She can see that he wants an explanation, but she smiles coquettishly, not allowing for all of his wants and needs to be met right away.

"But that's okay," she continues and hops away from his desk. "I'll see you tonight. Don't be late, either," she warns.

"Mai," he says before she can leave, "it won't be a problem next time. We'll be more prepared and you won't have to worry about that." She knows he's referring to the psychic abilities interfering and she looks relieved. She lays such a trusting smile on him then and it unnerves him—the ability she has to weasel her way into people's lives when they had just wanted to be left alone with their ghosts.

"Good, don't be late," she repeats.

Naru merely nods as she disappears out his door. The front door closes not far behind and he sinks back into his chair, distracted and not feeling at all like he can pull together the concentration required to go through all this information. Instead, he opens the box of bento and contemplates over it. By the time he finishes it, he should have had enough time to gain the proper focus to get through the rest of the paperwork he had set aside for today.

But, most definitely, he too, felt just a little bit better about tonight. Before he had been unsure of what Mai's expectations would be, but he needn't have worried. It was Mai, and as usual Mai was predictable, if nothing else, except maybe the kissing issue. He hadn't known she would be so preoccupied over it.

At least, she'd gotten it off her chest, but Naru imagined that it was now a problem that was going to be weighing on _his mind_ all day.

Would she expect him to kiss her again so soon?

_Of course, she was pleased with it. _

He'd given her full control and hadn't pushed a thing. But that had mostly due to his own inexperience.

He groans and sets his head on the desk. 'Damn it, Mai.'

He'll never be able to focus on his paperwork today.

_Gene, how did you do it?_

_

* * *

_

Mai knows that Naru didn't always see her this way.

In fact, for a long time, she knew the way he cared for her was much the same way he felt about the rest of S.P.R. They weren't quite friends, as Naru has no familiarity with the term to distinguish it in real life. They were more like his acquaintances that on numerous occasions had told him that they were _his _friends.

Saying something doesn't make it true though.

Naru was in some ways worlds ahead of her. Now that she's older, it's easier to understand why he had never seen her the way she wanted. She's in college now, and maturing; learning how to run her own life is far more difficult when your dependency on the state disappears. When she passes the high school boys (she even compares herself to the senior ones as she's allowing for developmental differences between boys and girls), she realizes that she is worlds away from them.

Imagine how Naru felt, a college graduate, a professor, running his own company at 16 (an offshoot of his parents, but no less impressive) and her, a 15-year-old girl who was struggling to pay her own rent and understand basic biology, let alone comprehensive studies and different languages.

She looks at the high school boys once again and imagines talking to them. They would probably laugh boisterously, maybe nervously try to hit on her with lame pickup lines and talk about the latest action movie. They would talk about things that would bore her to tears.

She understands now.

* * *

They are on a case and Mai has finally stopped torturing herself over the death of Hajitoka. The dream still comes occasionally, but she actively fights it with a little reassurance from Gene. Naru invites her to join the team on an assignment and when she arrives on the scene, she realizes that Naru hasn't told her friends she is coming.

Bou-san wraps her in a crushing hug and buries his face in her neck as he spins her around, delight and satisfaction evident on his face.

John is smiling ever-so-pleased with a knowing look on his face. He often feigns innocence and ignorance (_very convincingly so, actually), _but Mai knows that he has been waiting for this moment. John is relieved that she is actually gaining some semblance of control over her powers. Mai embraces him as well, muttering a quiet 'thank you' in his ear for his silent acceptance of allowing her to be left alone in her problems when the others wouldn't stop bombarding her.

Ayako waves a flashy ring, engaged to a dog catcher of all things, who cooks fantastic meals and happily lets her walk all over him. It must be painful for his back though, as Ayako only wears heels. Mai begrudgingly admits that she _really likes _Ayako's fiancé. She's always held this secret fantasy where Bou-san and Ayako have this torrid romance and secretly sneak away to be with each other and then have lots of little exorcist babies and—

Mai quits this thinking. It has never been true and she's had enough delusions for one lifetime. Masako isn't on this case. She's in the hospital at the moment (where they should be with her), inducing labor as she is a week overdue. Mai had always thought Ayako would have children first. She never thought that Masako would even want kids, and yet there she was, married to a Scottish nobleman whose house she had visited to check for spirits a year and a half ago.

As Mai is the sole, single female remaining in their group now, she is always given a hard time. Yasuhara jokingly proposes to her several times, but Mai always tragically refuses. He doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment (though Mai doubts he's short of any lovers), but is on his way to a lofty doctorate that he's been working on for years on the communication theory of parapsychological events and their effects on people's ability to reason.

Lin is quiet as always, and doesn't hug her. They are much too formal for that. Mai greets him enthusiastically and only touches his hand once in welcome before leaving the base. He may not look it, but he has been the most avid supporter of her getting together with Naru over the years. He also has this terrible talent of subtly manipulating situations that never would have been able to happen without his interference. She has to actively remember to never underestimate him.

Outside the haunted manor, Mai is settled under a tree in a field of leaves. She is holding a little boy, their client's son, by his hands and bouncing him on her knee. Naru approaches her, a soft sweeping stride of black that crosses the lawn with a long gait.

Mai smirks and hides behind the little boy who can be no more than two. She whispers in his ear, pretending that he knows what she's saying.

"Now, that boy is a monster," she points at Naru, as he stands above her regarding her silently.

He is older, almost a man and agonizingly beautiful. His button-up shirt actually matches the blue of his eyes and Mai's heart clenches. He's not fully swathed in depressive black and _it is progress…_

He watches her through thick, dark lashes that are probably too feminine for him, but ones she loves all the same.

"Monster," Mai repeats, bouncing the child again. "Mon-sta-er. Mon-ster." She's sounding it out for the child.

"We're waiting for you," he says tightly.

Mai exchanges Eskimo kisses with the child, rubbing her nose against his. "Guess we're all not getting what we want then."

His eyes narrow dangerously. He knows the game she's playing, but he hates games.

"You said no." He cuts to the chase.

Mai loses her calm, but tries not to let the little child pick up on it. "You didn't _ask me. _You _told _me."

He's frustrated and doesn't know where to go from there. Silently, he wishes for Lin's interference, but also detests relying on others. His love life is by far the most difficult part in his life. He sacrifices over and over again, yet doesn't know how to keep her happy. If women are difficult, then Mai is a broken Rubix cube that refuses to budge and match the pieces.

He drops to his knees in front of her, threatening to stain his pants because the ground is damp and soft. He takes the child from her arms, and sets him to the side brusquely, but gently. He leans forward over her.

He's sacrificing again. His pride this time. Offering it up on a silver platter. "Please marry me."

The fact that he's not asking is no longer an issue. He's begging her and its far more pleasing. She smiles like the cat who has caught the canary. Mai leans forward and kisses him aggressively. It's not possessive. Their relationship isn't like that. No one ever _owns anyone. _No one ever _belongs to_ the other. They only belong _with _each other.

Mai makes a startled noise when his hand moves a little too suggestively at her side. She's not unused to it at this point. It's just a little too public for her liking.

"Fine," she accepts. "But you have to tell everyone. I hate being thought of as single when I'm _working for my fiancé. _I'm tired of the teasing. I want to shut Bou-san and Ayako up."

"Okay," he readily agrees. He's tired of it too, but will never say it.

"Before the end of the case. You'll tell them," she says deliberately. He pulls back a little from her then.

"It's not that imp—"

She scowls dangerously. "If you even dare to say that it's not important, you won't have to beg for me back, I'll kill you." He looks more perturbed at the thought of begging than at the thought of prospective death.

"I'll tell them," he concedes. She picks up the little boy again and lifts his little arm to point at Naru.

"Tell the monster that he'll be sleeping on the tatamis if he doesn't tell them today."

"Stop calling me that." She loves his voice—loves the way he says those words in his dark, growling tone. It's one of her favorite things about him.

"Monster-chan, monster-chan," she chants playfully. The child laughs more at her smile than at her words.

Naru stands then and offers her a hand up. She accepts and is happily surprised when he doesn't let go of her hand while they walk to the house. Before they go into the house he leans over her, kissing her once on the lips, then on the side of the neck.

Their relationship isn't perfect. In fact, they fight more often than not, but it's theirs in all its imperfection.

Takigawa gapes as he opens the front door to the sight of Mai and Naru touching softly, almost reverently. Naru sees him from the corner of his eye, but as usual Mai is so taken with him that she hasn't noticed Bou-san in the door. Naru smirks and kisses her once again, careful not to crush the small boy between them. Mai tangles a hand in his hair, runs it gently down his cheek to his neck. He holds in a pleasant shiver.

A strangled noise and a fervent catcall pulls Mai out of her daze. She separates from Naru, stepping away to give distance, uncertain of how much their audience has seen.

Unsure, she looks to Naru who is solely focused on Takigawa and Ayako, the source of their bullying and ire.

He figures it's as good a place as any to start. No better time than now, not that they would let him go any further without an interrogation.

"You two should probably sit down."


End file.
